Tuesday, 29th May 2012
I found this lovely quote today, think it sums me up pretty well at the moment, I hope you like it too.
“We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to
forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to
learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes we see the way out but wander
further and deeper despite ourselves;
the fear, the anger or the sadness preventing us returning. Sometimes we
prefer to be lost and wandering, sometimes it's easier. Sometimes we
find our own way out. But regardless, always, we are found.”
Tuesday 29 May 2012
Thursday 24 May 2012
Friday, 25th May 2012
Well it's 2 days after my D&C, I haven't had the energy nor the inclination to get on here and talk about it. I'm finding this one a little more taxing physically than the last, my head feels groggy, the anesthetic has really knocked me around this time and I have been a little sorer. I think my poor uterus is yelling out to leave it alone for a while, so that I am doing.
The day itself went as well as can be expected, it was a long day, having checked into day surgery at 7am, I was last on the morning list so didn't go into surgery until 11.15 am. As usual all the nursing staff were very sympathetic and understanding, some even sat down and chatted to me about everything. It's nice to be able to talk about it openly. I did have an odd moment though when being wheeled into theatre, the nurse had obviously not seen my file and asked if I had any children, when I told her I had a 2.5 year old daughter she then proceeded to ask if I was planning on having any more. My response, well yes that's what I'm trying obviously. She must have got the wrong end of the stick so to speak and thought I was in for IVF egg retrieval or transfer or something because she got all excited and started wishing me good luck and telling me that I will have a great age gap. Arrival into the theatre holding bay didn't come quick enough as she left me with the next lot of nursing staff. Phew, that was really awkward.
My anesthetist was a funny guy, cracking all sorts of terrible jokes. The hospital has just opened up their brand new operating theatres so as I was wheeled into the freezing cold room all I could see was shiny this and shiny that, everything brand spanking new and so much technology. I made a comment and he said, isn't it great, although I don't know how to use any of it and started making jokes about he hopes he can remember how to use the new oxygen tank. He definitely put my mind at ease, in an odd way. They popped on the heart rate monitor and I could hear my heart racing away, normal he said, when anxious ha ha. Then the needle goes in my arm, that weird sensation hits my head and I start remembering why I hate drinking. He made a bad joke, I laughed and that's all I remember.
Next thing I know the recovery room nurse is waking me up and I'm crying, what the! Groggy and unsure of what is going on she tells me that the anesthetist had commented on me being upset during the procedure. Not that I'm surprised but I still find it a bit weird that you can do something like that and not remember or realise. I told myself it's better than letting one rip or something, that makes me less embarrassed that way ;o) He did briefly come and visit me afterwards on his way past to see another patient, he just asked how I was and what the last thing I remembered was, I told him it was laughing at his terrible joke and he laughed and said good and off he went. I didn't get a chance to ask him about the crying eposide before he flitted off to his next patient. I will make sure I ask the obstetrician/gyno when I visit her for my follow-up in a few weeks.
So next is the healing process, mentally and physically and when my results come in I can find out the cause, hope it's nothing chromosomal again (but probably likely) and find out whether my little rainbow baby was a girl or boy. Something I like to know, I saw a little heart beating, it was something, so I want to know if I can call "it" a he or she.
Sadly I'm looking forward to the break for my body and mind, I am going to hit the treadmill again and enjoy not feeling the stress and panic of constant pregnancy monitoring. Ironically when I arrived home from hospital waiting in the mail was the paperwork for the new clinic we have an appointment with mid/late July. Wonder if that is a good or bad sign. Only time will tell.
For now fly free my little one, join your little sister, she is not far ahead of you and I will meet you again some day. Love your Mummy xx
Well it's 2 days after my D&C, I haven't had the energy nor the inclination to get on here and talk about it. I'm finding this one a little more taxing physically than the last, my head feels groggy, the anesthetic has really knocked me around this time and I have been a little sorer. I think my poor uterus is yelling out to leave it alone for a while, so that I am doing.
The day itself went as well as can be expected, it was a long day, having checked into day surgery at 7am, I was last on the morning list so didn't go into surgery until 11.15 am. As usual all the nursing staff were very sympathetic and understanding, some even sat down and chatted to me about everything. It's nice to be able to talk about it openly. I did have an odd moment though when being wheeled into theatre, the nurse had obviously not seen my file and asked if I had any children, when I told her I had a 2.5 year old daughter she then proceeded to ask if I was planning on having any more. My response, well yes that's what I'm trying obviously. She must have got the wrong end of the stick so to speak and thought I was in for IVF egg retrieval or transfer or something because she got all excited and started wishing me good luck and telling me that I will have a great age gap. Arrival into the theatre holding bay didn't come quick enough as she left me with the next lot of nursing staff. Phew, that was really awkward.
My anesthetist was a funny guy, cracking all sorts of terrible jokes. The hospital has just opened up their brand new operating theatres so as I was wheeled into the freezing cold room all I could see was shiny this and shiny that, everything brand spanking new and so much technology. I made a comment and he said, isn't it great, although I don't know how to use any of it and started making jokes about he hopes he can remember how to use the new oxygen tank. He definitely put my mind at ease, in an odd way. They popped on the heart rate monitor and I could hear my heart racing away, normal he said, when anxious ha ha. Then the needle goes in my arm, that weird sensation hits my head and I start remembering why I hate drinking. He made a bad joke, I laughed and that's all I remember.
Next thing I know the recovery room nurse is waking me up and I'm crying, what the! Groggy and unsure of what is going on she tells me that the anesthetist had commented on me being upset during the procedure. Not that I'm surprised but I still find it a bit weird that you can do something like that and not remember or realise. I told myself it's better than letting one rip or something, that makes me less embarrassed that way ;o) He did briefly come and visit me afterwards on his way past to see another patient, he just asked how I was and what the last thing I remembered was, I told him it was laughing at his terrible joke and he laughed and said good and off he went. I didn't get a chance to ask him about the crying eposide before he flitted off to his next patient. I will make sure I ask the obstetrician/gyno when I visit her for my follow-up in a few weeks.
So next is the healing process, mentally and physically and when my results come in I can find out the cause, hope it's nothing chromosomal again (but probably likely) and find out whether my little rainbow baby was a girl or boy. Something I like to know, I saw a little heart beating, it was something, so I want to know if I can call "it" a he or she.
Sadly I'm looking forward to the break for my body and mind, I am going to hit the treadmill again and enjoy not feeling the stress and panic of constant pregnancy monitoring. Ironically when I arrived home from hospital waiting in the mail was the paperwork for the new clinic we have an appointment with mid/late July. Wonder if that is a good or bad sign. Only time will tell.
For now fly free my little one, join your little sister, she is not far ahead of you and I will meet you again some day. Love your Mummy xx
Wednesday 23 May 2012
Monday 21 May 2012
Monday, 21st May 2012
Had my final scan today, my little bean's heart has stopped beating - in one way it's heartbreaking when that blob comes on the screen only for you to not see that flicker, but at the same time relieved as now I can start the moving on process, again. D&C on Wednesday, my 2nd in 4 months, not fun, but necessary. I did at least get to meet another OB who was equally as lovely as the last, I'm going to have a decision on my hands if I ever get the point where I need to!!!! Hang on what am I saying, I will get there, just not right now. For now I'm taking a little break, to recharge and work up some more courage to do it all again.
Had my final scan today, my little bean's heart has stopped beating - in one way it's heartbreaking when that blob comes on the screen only for you to not see that flicker, but at the same time relieved as now I can start the moving on process, again. D&C on Wednesday, my 2nd in 4 months, not fun, but necessary. I did at least get to meet another OB who was equally as lovely as the last, I'm going to have a decision on my hands if I ever get the point where I need to!!!! Hang on what am I saying, I will get there, just not right now. For now I'm taking a little break, to recharge and work up some more courage to do it all again.
Friday 18 May 2012
Friday, 18th May 2012
The new clinic I'm going to try my luck at next called today, they can fit me in to see the Professor of the clinic on the 17th July, I'm pretty happy as he normally has a waiting period of a few months or so. It's thanks to my cousin who is an OB and is also working there, for once I am able to utilise a "not what you know but who you know" situation to my advantage!
The new clinic I'm going to try my luck at next called today, they can fit me in to see the Professor of the clinic on the 17th July, I'm pretty happy as he normally has a waiting period of a few months or so. It's thanks to my cousin who is an OB and is also working there, for once I am able to utilise a "not what you know but who you know" situation to my advantage!
Wednesday 16 May 2012
Thursday, 17th May 2012
8 weeks today, instead of being excited that I'm three quarters of the way through the first trimester, I'm just wanting to get this whole pallarva over and done with. I've booked in for my follow up scan on Monday and I'm off to the GP this afternoon to get a referral for a new clinic. Hopefully I'll have more luck starting fresh somewhere else.
8 weeks today, instead of being excited that I'm three quarters of the way through the first trimester, I'm just wanting to get this whole pallarva over and done with. I've booked in for my follow up scan on Monday and I'm off to the GP this afternoon to get a referral for a new clinic. Hopefully I'll have more luck starting fresh somewhere else.
Tuesday 15 May 2012
Hi, my name's Alison, I'm about to turn 39, and have been on quite a journey in the last 12 months. This blog is not only to help myself, but hopefully it can help others who are on a similar journey, even if it's just to feel normal as quite often when you join the fertility treatment club, suddenly normal becomes something only dreams are made of.
So my story begins 12 months ago, after giving up my part-time job to be a full-time mum to my daughter we decided it was a good time to start trying for our 2nd and last child. After all, how hard can it be, it only took me a few months to fall pregnant with Amelia at the age of 35 so surely it will be the same as then, it was only 2.5 years ago. Oh how wrong I was!
2nd month in and I get that 2nd line on a home pregnancy test, wow cool! 1 day later, all hell broke loose and I miscarry. Damn......disappointed but not too peturbed to get back on the horse so to speak and try again. I wait a month as recommended by the GP and try again.....a couple of months goes by and I get another positive test, 3 days later, same again. OK so now I'm starting to think something isn't right, not to mention my cycles are getting shorter by the month. Dr Google (who I spend a lot of time consulting these days even though I know all it does it make me feel worse) tells me maybe I have a luteal phase defect caused by low progesterone and given my age I decided to get myself an appointment with a Fertility Specialist. All the while thinking I don't need them how ridiculous but let's humour this........hmph again how wrong I was.
Cut to November, I visit the FS, get put through a myriad of tests - I think at one point I gave 22 vials of blood in one go! Out of interest they run an AMH test to check for my egg count levels, imagine my shock when it came back at 1.1.......put it this way, for those who don't know much about AMH levels - they like to see it 16 or above so yes, 1.1 is not good. My first tracking cycle indeed showed a progesterone issue, in fact, my body was practically not producing it at all in the 2nd half of my cycle so it was absolutely no wonder I didn't hang onto the previous 2 pregnancies. So, easy fixed you say? So I thought, well we're 6 months down the track and I'm still trying to understand it myself.
December I decided not to do a tracking cycle with the clinic per se as it was Christmas, the specialist was on leave and couldn't see me again until January so just thought we'd give it a go on our own. Christmas Eve I start having signs of the wicked witch visiting so thought I was out for the month, rang the clinic, they told me to come in on Boxing Day just to check my progesterone levels anyway to see if I was on the right level of supplements - gotta love the bum bullets as I have come to call them. Queue in next shock when I call for results, pregnant! So a couple of weeks of every 3rd day having blood tests to track my levels, a few ups and downs in progesterone levels and the stress of numbers starting out so low things seem promising as I start to feel a little nauseated - not a nice thing as I suffered all day nausea with Amelia but I looked at it as a positive sign, only to have a scan at 7 weeks to be matter of factly told by the sonographer that quote unquote "there is a heart beat but it's not good so I wouldn't go shouting it from the rooftops if I were you". Devastation hits, I spend the next week crying while I wait out a follow-up scan, which then showed no improvement, told to wait again, go back a few days later and my little bean had gone.
A month goes by, I take a break to recharge mentally and physically and 2 months later I'm pregnant again. Right from the start this time I felt more positive - well as positive as one having recurrent miscarriages can be - HCG levels were great, rising as they should, progesterone was where they like to see it, the 6 week mark comes and I wake up ready to go to the clinic for my usual blood test and I have a bleed. Immediate panic sets in, the clinic doesn't seem too concerned, "this can be quite normal in early pregnancy" and send me off for a scan a week earlier than planned. Nervously I attend the same clinic, with the same sonographer (which I was dreading) this time with hubby in tow, but thankfully there's a heartbeat and it's much better than last time - still a little below normal in her opinion but everything I read said it was within normal range for gestation. But, yes but........there is also a large subchorionic hematoma next to the sac, in fact, it was the same size of the sac and while she told me 40% of pregnancies have these larger ones come with higher risks. Awesome, of course nothing could be simple could it! She tells me to expect more bleeding, take it easy and no lifting (not easy with a 2.5 year old) and to come back in a week for a follow up scan. So I turn up, feeling fairly confident given already my belly was growing - the progesterone however I think is the main culprit for the bloating and the fact I was dealing with all day nausea, at times quite bad, plus great hormone levels and the like. I was too scared to look at the screen at first but when I did I was so relieved to see a little heart beat flickering away. I actually said oh thank goodness I see a heart beat......to quickly be told, yes there is but it's dropped down to 85 the embryo is showing very minimal growth since last week, I'm sorry but this isn't looking good. O M G are you kidding me! Again! So now I have been told I have to go back in another week and there's nothing else I can do until.......well the heart beat stops. So here we go again......awesome :o( This brings you up to date with my story so far, I hope I haven't bored you all too much and that you join me in my journey updates and hopefully this story will end well, I want to believe it will, but right now, my hope is fast diminishing...................
So my story begins 12 months ago, after giving up my part-time job to be a full-time mum to my daughter we decided it was a good time to start trying for our 2nd and last child. After all, how hard can it be, it only took me a few months to fall pregnant with Amelia at the age of 35 so surely it will be the same as then, it was only 2.5 years ago. Oh how wrong I was!
2nd month in and I get that 2nd line on a home pregnancy test, wow cool! 1 day later, all hell broke loose and I miscarry. Damn......disappointed but not too peturbed to get back on the horse so to speak and try again. I wait a month as recommended by the GP and try again.....a couple of months goes by and I get another positive test, 3 days later, same again. OK so now I'm starting to think something isn't right, not to mention my cycles are getting shorter by the month. Dr Google (who I spend a lot of time consulting these days even though I know all it does it make me feel worse) tells me maybe I have a luteal phase defect caused by low progesterone and given my age I decided to get myself an appointment with a Fertility Specialist. All the while thinking I don't need them how ridiculous but let's humour this........hmph again how wrong I was.
Cut to November, I visit the FS, get put through a myriad of tests - I think at one point I gave 22 vials of blood in one go! Out of interest they run an AMH test to check for my egg count levels, imagine my shock when it came back at 1.1.......put it this way, for those who don't know much about AMH levels - they like to see it 16 or above so yes, 1.1 is not good. My first tracking cycle indeed showed a progesterone issue, in fact, my body was practically not producing it at all in the 2nd half of my cycle so it was absolutely no wonder I didn't hang onto the previous 2 pregnancies. So, easy fixed you say? So I thought, well we're 6 months down the track and I'm still trying to understand it myself.
December I decided not to do a tracking cycle with the clinic per se as it was Christmas, the specialist was on leave and couldn't see me again until January so just thought we'd give it a go on our own. Christmas Eve I start having signs of the wicked witch visiting so thought I was out for the month, rang the clinic, they told me to come in on Boxing Day just to check my progesterone levels anyway to see if I was on the right level of supplements - gotta love the bum bullets as I have come to call them. Queue in next shock when I call for results, pregnant! So a couple of weeks of every 3rd day having blood tests to track my levels, a few ups and downs in progesterone levels and the stress of numbers starting out so low things seem promising as I start to feel a little nauseated - not a nice thing as I suffered all day nausea with Amelia but I looked at it as a positive sign, only to have a scan at 7 weeks to be matter of factly told by the sonographer that quote unquote "there is a heart beat but it's not good so I wouldn't go shouting it from the rooftops if I were you". Devastation hits, I spend the next week crying while I wait out a follow-up scan, which then showed no improvement, told to wait again, go back a few days later and my little bean had gone.
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